In most cultures, it’s usually the man who must sweat and toil to find his better half, almost like it’s part of his survival instincts. But when it comes to Kerala, India, the tradition of finding a bride is a whole different ball game. Enter the ‘Pennukanal’ ritual—a cornerstone of arranged marriages that has baffled my English friends to no end. When I shared my experiences with them, they likened the process to shopping for a commodity. But unlike in the Western world, where nearly half of marriages end in divorce, in Kerala, this ‘purchase’ is a once-in-a-lifetime deal, no returns, no exchanges. Curious to know more? Let me give you a peek into this uniquely Keralite tradition from a man’s perspective.
Matchmaking in the Pre-Social Media Era
Forget social media, high-tech dating apps, or even newspaper ads. Back in the 1970s, finding a bride was orchestrated by marriage brokers—those venerable figures who were a mix between gossip columnists and advertising agencies. Their ability to spread juicy tidbits about families was legendary. Picture them with their distinct mannerisms, a diary snugly tucked under their armpit, and the most elaborate fairy-tale descriptions of potential brides. And when a wedding was fixed, they’d happily pocket a commission from both sides.
Once a broker brought forth a potential alliance, the parents would go into detective mode, thoroughly investigating the girl, her family, and their connections. Unlike in the West, the marriage decision here was more about family compatibility than individual romance. The actual bride-viewing ceremony would take place at the girl’s home, where the bachelor would finally catch a glimpse of his potential life partner—usually while she served tea and snacks to the entourage that accompanied him. It was like a live preview of a potential lifetime of culinary delights, though with a lot more pressure. The entourage typically included the bachelor’s parents, close relatives, or even a few nosy friends, while the girl’s home would also be brimming with her own relatives, all trying to outshine each other in hospitality. This ritual could drag on for months or even years, as families tried to match aspirations, stars, and, of course, horoscopes.
The Bachelor’s Coaching Session
The journey to the girl’s home was often long and filled with unsolicited advice. Parents, brothers-in-law, and any other self-appointed love gurus would coach the bachelor on how to present himself, what to say, and most importantly, how to impress the girl without giving away too much emotion. It was imperative to keep a poker face, whether he liked the girl or not—after all, you never know who’s watching. On the way back, the post-viewing debrief would take place in the car, with the parents grilling the boy for every tiny detail. The evaluation was almost scientific, with marks given for looks, personality, the quality of the relatives, and the overall ambiance. The girl’s height, weight, complexion, facial features, hair, body shape, and gait were all meticulously scrutinized. By the 1970s, boys were even allowed to ask the girl a few questions—mostly about her education and career aspirations. This was a clever way to gauge her intelligence and articulation, although some might say it was more of an interrogation than a conversation.
My Adventures in Bride Viewing
Now, let me share some of my own bride-viewing escapades, all neatly wrapped in the rituals of the time. Just before I left for Nigeria in August 1976, I embarked on my bride-viewing journey. Ever the joker, I would always ask brokers about the girl’s mother’s body structure. With my medical background, I knew that the daughter might just inherit her mother’s fondness for adding a few extra pounds. My first attempt was in Ernakulum, about 45 miles from my hometown, Thrissur. The girl’s parents rejected me, thinking I was an alcoholic—likely because of my association with junior doctors who partied once a week with loud music. The second time, I viewed a lady doctor in Kottayam, accompanied by Mathew, my employer from St. Mary’s Hospital, Udumbannur.
Fast forward to August 1977, when I returned to India for a holiday. My loneliness in Nigeria had convinced me that marriage was the solution to all my problems. I even bought a second-hand Ambassador car and hired a driver to ease the burden of constant travel. The marriage brokers flooded me with proposals, and my parents and I shortlisted a few. One viewing at Kottayam left me particularly annoyed—while serving tea, the girl’s uncle playfully smacked her, causing the spoon to fall. She picked it up and placed it back on the tray without even washing it. Hygiene aside, the whole act felt like a staged performance to showcase her assets.
Within four days, I visited at least eight homes across Kuriachira, Chalakudi, Ollur, Kanjirapally, and Thalore. I was adamant about marrying a well-qualified girl, but most of them were disqualified due to height issues, extra weight, quirky behaviour, or just a lack of chemistry. Although no one pointed out my own overweight, one girl did reject me because she didn’t want to move to Nigeria. Eventually, I found a girl who had already caught my parents’ eye. I went back to see her with my sister, who had flown in from Delhi, and, well, the rest is history. She became my life partner.
The Stress of Bride Viewing
Bride viewing is stressful, not just for the would-be bride, but also for the would-be groom. It’s nerve-wracking to step into a stranger’s home, suppress your emotions, and try to act all formal. After each viewing, my friends at Nehru Mandapam would eagerly ask, “How was your Pennukanal?” I would entertain them with embellished stories, describing every detail with a flair that turned my experiences into comedy gold. They would then fire off questions like, “Does she have a sister?” or “How much did you score her?” and, of course, “What were the snacks like?
The Girl’s Perspective
Sadly, the pressure on girls is even more intense. The community and family often frown upon a girl who is rejected by a boy, and rarely do boys or their families give constructive feedback. Complaints about a girl’s height, facial features, or complexion can be particularly painful, as these are things she can’t change. It’s a little easier to swallow if the rejection is due to dowry issues, though even that’s a bitter pill. In 1989, I had two meetings with the Thrissur Catholic Bishop Joseph Kundukulam, trying to dissuade him from encouraging the dowry system within the church. Despite the Dowry Prohibition Act of 1962, the practice still lingers, with very few prosecutions.
A Tradition That Refuses to Die
For those outside India who think bride viewing is an outdated tradition, think again. While there’s been a slight rise in love marriages, arranged marriages still dominate in Kerala, with many bachelors shamelessly accepting dowry and the perks that come with it. Back in the 1970s, there was no television, no internet, and no social media to help romance bloom. Boys and girls were kept apart by the so-called ‘morality police.’ Today’s youth are more exposed to Western romantic ideals, and yes, it’s always better to marry someone you know and understand. But who knows, maybe one day, our young men will finally say goodbye to the bride-searching trips for good!
Dr.C.J.George FRCS
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